anx·i·ety noun \aŋ-ˈzī-ə-tē\ :
an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

I have wanted to write a post about my anxiety for a while now but I have been hesitant to write anything about it. I am supposed to be dealing with everything perfectly. I am happier than I have ever been in my life so I'm not supposed to have these overwhelming anxious thoughts. However I have struggled with anxiety on and off since I was a kid and the more that I have opened up about my anxiety over the last few weeks the more I have learned how common it is among my peers and friends. My anxiety started when I was nine. I remember having a "panic" attack one time after flying back home to Arizona after visiting my mom in Utah. I didn't really have problems with it again until I was in Junior High. My 7th and 8th grade year I struggled horribly with anxiety at night. I would lay in bed at night and not be able to sleep. I felt like I was being smothered. My anxious thoughts were literally smothering and making it feel like I couldn't breathe. There were some nights that it was so awful that I would go and wake my parents up. I thought I was dying because I couldn't breathe. My parents took me to the doctor and I was started on Zoloft to help with my anxiety. It worked pretty well. I would have small periods of time where I felt anxious but it didn't usually last very long. Then when I was trying to get pregnant with Joseph it came back in full force again. It was awful! I struggled with it terribly for about 18 months. Once Joseph was born it just sort of resolved on it's own. A few months ago my anxiety started up again. It has been so awful this time. It is difficult to explain to people what exactly my anxiety is like. It's not just thoughts about the future or feeling worried it is a constant state of panic. You know how you feel when you are waiting in line for a roller coaster? That is how I feel 90% of the time time. My palms and feet are often sweaty. I feel shaky. My heart pounds or flutters in my throat. I get stomach pains. I feel like my throat is closing off and that I can't take a deep breath. I have this strange cough. I have also developed a nasty case of acid reflux which has caused me to lose my voice. I am honestly not exaggerating when I say that I feel this way 90% of the time. It comes and goes is various degrees throughout the day. I have started seeing a therapist who has been awesome! I have also been seeing my internist to help me find a medication to help. It is so frustrating because I know that I am not dying and that all of my physical symptoms are a result of my anxiety but it is sometimes hard for to believe my rational side when I am feeling so darn anxious. I hate it!!! I wish that there was something I could do to stop it. There are a few things that I want to make sure that you understand about my anxiety. First I am really happy and I love being married to Curt. I love his kids and I love mine. My anxiety really has nothing to do with how happy I am. Second, sometimes when you talk to me you may think that I am not really listening or that I have "checked out." But I haven't. I am just concentrating on not dying for the moment. Third I try really really hard to not let my anxiety control my life. I still go to work even when I am feeling miserable and I try not to let it get in the way of being a wife and mom. Fourth my anxiety is usually worse when I am by myself. I like being around people. Fifth part of why I am writing about this is because I want to talk to people about it. If I can help someone else that is going through this same thing that is awesome and I would love to help them. So you there you have it.